Jokes  ~


clown Laughing


Here are a couple of jokes (in English *).

I hope that they won't offend anybody
- women or men. smiley

Now and then, there may be added some new ones...

* When using the automatic translation:
1. The jokes are currently only in English.
2. The automatic translation will therefore often make no sense.
3. To view the manually translation to english, see info to the left (lightbulb 1.)
4. If the jokes (boxes) are overlapping each other, see info under lightbulb 2.


Angelic love ?

"My wife is an angel !"

"Lucky you. Mine is still alive."

On the Pub
He: Would you make love to me for a million pounds ?
She: Yes.
He: Would you make love to me for a fiver ?
She: No way, what do you take me for ?
He: That I have already found out. Now I'm just figuring out the price.

Solidarity
She : Which do you prefer, my dear ? A beautiful woman, or an intelligent woman ?

He : Neither, darling - you know I love only you.

Farmer ?
What do you call an Arab who owns a harem of cows ?
A milk-sheik !

kid


A polite angler
Two fellows are fishing close by a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.
The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do. After all, I was married to her for 40 years."

Virtue
A teacher asked his class,
"If I stop a man from beating his donkey, what virtue would I be demonstrating ?"

To which little Joey replied, "Brotherly love ?"

In Egypt
What did the Egyptian man say to the Egyptian woman?
"Come behind the pyramid, and I'll make you a mummy!"

Clear ?
The telephone is ringing in the home.
The man takes it and answers :
- I don't know. Call the coastguard.
- Who was it ?, asked the wife carefully.
- I don't know. It was a man who asked if the coast was clear.
The awakening
The patient wakes up after the operation:
- Doctor, was the operation a success?
- Doctor? My name is Saint Peter.
In the Court
- Hereby you are sentenced to a fine of $ 1000, - for having called the offended an idiot.
Do the defendant have anything to add ?
- No, I can't afford that.

A Husband's Moment of Realization
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what ?"

"What dear ?", she asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck !"

Car-chase
A car is driving in 90 mph on a 50 mph speed limit road, pursued by a police car.

After half an hours wild chase he is stopped, and the police officer sees that it is a sad, despaired elderly man with tears in his eyes behind the wheel.

Ok, says the police officer, - if you can come up with a good explanation for this, I may let you go.

Well, the man said, - my wife ran away a week ago with a police officer she was having an affair with, and when I saw the police car in the mirror, I thought he was about to deliver her back... !

Hot-mail
An Illinois man left the snowy streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip, and planned to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his mail was instead sent to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor unconcious.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in.
Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S. It sure is hot down here.

Teaching
Parents spend the first twelve months of their children's lives to teach them to walk and talk...

...and the next twenty years telling them to sit down and shut up !

Spaghetti
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.

Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I will take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then, one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.

Paramedics rushed him to the emergency room.

The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

Prices
The prices on fruit today are cheap considered the price of an apple in The Garden of Eden.

Car driving
Do you ever notice that when you are driving,
anyone going slower than you is an idiot,
and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac ?
Apples
The farmer shouts to the boy by the apple tree:
- Hey you ! Are you trying to steal an apple ?
- No, I'm trying not to.

In Paradise 1
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman meant to him and how blessed he felt to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.

Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful ?
God: So you would always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you would always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Why did you make her smell so good, Lord ?
God: So you would always want to be near her.
Adam: That is wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid ?
God: So she would love you.

In Paradise 2
One day God came to Adam and said,"I've got some good news and some bad news"

Adam: "Well, give me the good news first."

"I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have wonderful conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your new intelligent life form and populate this planet."

Adam was very excited and exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings ?"

"The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

After the Honeymoon
A couple had returned from their honeymoon, and it was obvious to everyone that they were not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong.

"Well", replied the man, "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much", said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. - She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years !?"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though..: She gave me $20 change !"